Adam Epp (adam_epp) wrote,
Adam Epp
adam_epp

Let's see if I can figure out this site again

Since it's been over six months since I last updated, I'll try uploading my brand-new dark comedy fanfic here.

Title: Aizen's Fantastic Plan to Take Over the World
Rating: T for blood and death and swears and stuff
Summary: Step 1: escape from prison. Step 2: confuse everyone. Step 3: kill everyone. Step 4: smirk.
Series: Bleach
Genre: Comedy/ Satire/ Horror

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

Aizen's Note—I mean, Author's Note: I can't say when I lost control of this story, exactly, but at some point it stopped being my own. I thought it'd be great to write it from a first-person perspective, you know. It was supposed to stop there. How was I supposed to know what Aizen was capable of doing to me?

---

Aizen's Fantastic Plan to Take Over the World

---

Good evening, everyone. It's me, Aizen. Did you miss me? I missed me. How long has it been? Two years, already? This will not do.

In case you were unaware, I've been on a little sabbatical in the deepest dungeon beneath Soul Society. It's not as unpleasant as it sounds. Even if it hadn't happened without my consent, I still think I would have enjoyed my happy incarceration. Maybe not the whole S & M thing that comes with it, because that's not my thing (just the S, thank you), but I cannot complain. Prison really gives you plenty of time to think.

And I have been thinking lately, I assure you, that it's time to proceed with the next phase of my fantastic plan.

---

Today, Captain Mayuri comes to interrogate me. Perfect.

"I've considered your offer," he says to me, "and I realize that I must have the Hougyoku."

I suppress an evil grin upon hearing his words. I'd known that the mad scientist would be the easiest to tempt, but even I'd never expected him to fall so quickly. It just goes to show how wonderful I am.

I look Captain Mayuri dead in the eye. "You remember my price, correct? Soul Society will condemn you if you follow through with this."

"Let them," laughs Mayuri, and I can practically smell his lust for power. "If you give me the Hougyoku, how can they hope to stop me?"

"They stopped me," I remind him.

"Only because of that damn boy," he says. "And he's powerless now. Unlike you, I'll eliminate him as soon as I get the chance."

I shrug, and say nothing of my suspicion that Ichigo Kurosaki is no longer powerless. "Fine. To be honest, I don't care much about the Hougyoku or what you do to Soul Society with it. I'm more interested in what you can offer me, Captain."

"Of course. We have an agreement. You hand me the orb and I'll set you free." He chuckles. "Although I won't promise to protect you if Yamamoto ends your escape prematurely."

"Naturally."

We both laugh.

I gesture at my bonds. "Now, if you'd be so kind?"

Mayuri doesn't hurry to untie me, however, and I sense his apprehension. Suddenly, he draws his sword and points it at my neck. "Before we begin, I want you to know that I won't hesitate to cut your throat open if you try to double-cross me, Aizen. I may not be able to kill you, but I can make you bleed and regret."

I glance down at the blade and smile benignly. "I wouldn't dare," I say. "Neither of us will get what he wants without a little trust."

I can tell trust is the last thing Mayuri will give me, but he moves the sword away from my neck and my smile deepens.

Then, at last, he does all I could ask from him—he frees me from my bondage.

I lift my right arm for the first time in ages and stare at it in wonder. Suddenly, I want to burst out in laughter like a supervillain, so I do.

Mayuri starts to fidget, and before I know it the tip of his sword is pressed against the bottom of my jaw. "The Hougyoku," he hisses.

"Honestly, Captain," I tell him, gently pushing down his sword. "You wound me."

Then, true to my word, I place a hand against my breast, over my heart, and push my fingers into my chest and grasp the Hougyoku. I pull it out and present it to my business associate. He stares at it and I can see the orb reflected in his eyes. He can have it—I don't need it any more for my grand plan.

Mayuri snatches the Hougyoku from me.

"Finally," he whispers. I'm not sure he can see me anymore. "You hold so many secrets," he says to the orb and hugs it to himself, "but I will find all of them. Science will advance thousands of years before I'm through with you."

What a touching scene before me—it makes me feel I'm intruding upon something special.

So I say, "If you'll excuse me, Captain, I'd like to break free..."

All of a sudden, Mayuri snaps out of his lovers' trance.

"Not so fast," he says and moves between me and the door. It goes without saying that he points his sword at me again. "Alas, I'm afraid I'm unable to hold my end of the deal."

I put on my best expression of shock. "Why, Captain, are you betraying me? And after all your talk of how I'd suffer if I double-crossed you!"

"Tut, tut." He rolls his eyes. "Do you take me for a fool?"

Yes, I don't say aloud.

He continues, "Everyone will suspect me if you mysteriously vanish from your cell after last talking with me. What kind of idiot do you think I am?"

"An honest one, at the very least."

Unexpectedly, Mayuri doesn't cry out in anger. Instead, he coolly stabs my thigh. I fall to my knees. I look up at the mad scientist, and am disgusted by how delighted he is by his own cleverness.

He shakes his head and paces around me. "No, no, having you run amok would ruin everything. I'd get found out much too soon, before I can learn how to use your lovely gift." He tosses the Hougyoku in the air and catches it. "Rather than following the script, here's what I'll do: I'll kill you right now. You no longer possess the Hougyoku and, thus, are no longer immortal. Imagine how surprised the Captain-Commander will be when he finds your corpse during his next visit."

"Wish him happy birthday for me while you're at it," I say through gritted teeth.

Mayuri disinterestedly slashes my shoulder. "I'll have no choice but to tell him the truth," he says. His insane smirk distorts his painted face. "During my interrogation, you went mad and attacked me. I defended myself, as was only natural and, much to my surprise, you were not as invincible as was previously believed. Then, for killing the greatest enemy Soul Society has ever known, I'll be hailed as a hero; a much better alternative to what they'd call me for being said greatest enemy's accomplice. Speculation might arise when they notice the Hougyoku is gone, which may prove troublesome, but no matter. If and when I'm discovered, it'll be too late."

Mayuri throws his head back and gives me a lesson on how to laugh like a maniac.

I sigh. "Are you done?" I ask.

"Not quite," replies Mayuri. "Although I'm enjoying the moment, I still need to kill you."

"Too bad."

"I know, it's a shame you need to die. After all the help you've given me, I was starting to like you in a strange fashion."

I smirk.

"I mean," I say after vanishing and reappearing behind the scientist, "it's too bad I need to spoil your day."

He stumbles back in alarm. "Wh-what?" he stutters in confusion, only to quickly regain control. "I see," he says calmly, "Flash steps. But it won't do you any good without a Zanpakutou."

Mayuri seems so confident I almost hate to tell him otherwise, so I simply draw forth my lovely Kyouka Suigetsu from thin air wordlessly.

The supposed genius gapes at me stupidly. "That's scientifically impossible..."

"Bankai."

The way his eyes widen before I murder him is truly delicious.

---

Well, that went rather well, wouldn't you agree? I love it when people think they've outsmarted me. It always makes me savour their deaths when I show them that their attempts at deception are, in fact, precisely what I planned for them to do.

But that's enough self-congratulations. My great plan has a long way to go before I take over the world.

---

My escape from prison is very bloody and very fun. It reminds me of the day I murdered every member of the Central 46. Such happy memories.

Yet, alas, my hapless killing spree can only last so long before I draw the attention of somebody important in Soul Society. Just as I'm about to exit the doors and taste the sweet air of freedom, one of the captains arrives to block my path.

Surprise, surprise, it's little Hitsugaya!

"AIZEN!" he roars like a cub and lunges at me.

His killing intent would probably be more intimidating if he weren't so cute when he was mad. I parry his attack effortlessly and grin at him condescendingly. Naturally, the boy responds by growing angrier—and stupider—and he starts swinging his sword at me as though it were a club.

"You bastard! How did you escape?" he yells. "How could you kill those innocent guards? You'll pay for what you did to Momo!"

Seriously, does this kid ever grow up?

"Your lines are rather repetitive," I tell him. "Can't you think of new insults?"

Hitsugaya screams and resumes his assault with renewed fervour, but I get bored with deflecting his strikes, since it's so easy, and I lower my sword; this makes avoiding his attacks more difficult. Still, the boy's so weak that the fight quickly becomes wearisome and I contemplate ending his misery.

Just as I'm about to go on the offensive and break Hitsugaya's scrawny neck, however, new combatants enter the arena.

An unlikely threesome: Captain Shunsui, Captain Komamura, and Renji Abarai.

"AIZEN!" roars Komamura.

"AIZEN!" roars Renji.

Apparently, yelling my name never gets old, I note as the two vengeful Shinigami try to take my life. I do wish the fools would get stronger if getting smarter was beyond them, at least, because Renji and Komamura's combined attack is pathetic. You'd think two Bankai-users could amount to something in life.

In the midst of battle, I watch Shunsui and Hitsugaya from the corner of my eye and eavesdrop on them.

"Get back before your emotions get the best of you," Shunsui commands Hitsugaya from the sidelines. "You've done enough."

Hitsugaya balks, "But, that bastard...!"

"It doesn't matter," snaps Shunsui, "just do it!"

Still, he hesitates and I make the kid pay for his error.

I slip around Renji and Komamura's blades and quickly appear behind Hitsugaya. All it takes is a tiny flick of the wrist to decapitate him, and his head rolls across the floor like a lumpy soccer ball.

The stunned silence that follows as the others stare at me in horror is glorious.

"You—you killed him!" gasps Renji. "You're bad but you don't kill people!"

"That could be said of the old me," I reply. "Things are different now—I changed reality to better suit my needs."

But not one of the three is listening; the rage has consumed them, even Shunsui. Nobody ever listens, and they all have the nerve to name me a villain. Sigh.

---

In any case, to make a long story short, I murder Renji and the two captains, too. I'd elaborate but the battle was disappointingly dull. In my fantastic plan, they put up a better fight and gave me more of a challenge than they did in reality. I should have considered my greatness beforehand.

Oh well. You can make the best plans but not everyone will dance to your strings.

---

I encounter another captain just as I'm about to invade the real world as Soul Society decides to stop pulling its punches. Either that or they're cutting their losses. The man before me now is the Captain-Commander, Yamamoto, and he means business.

I greet him cordially, "It's been a long time, Captain-Commander."

"Aizen," he growls. "I'd hoped never to see you again."

And flames spring up around us as the old man takes out his Zanpakutou.

I eye the fire disdainfully; the heat is making me sweat. "Here I was hoping we could chat for old time's sake."

"Silence!" bellows Yamamoto. "Do not jest words with me, traitor! You've killed four captains! It seems we never punished you enough for your crimes!"

I yawn. "And what can you do to me? I'm like a god next to a child compared to you Shinigami."

The flames intensify and he snarls, "Such insolence!" Yamamoto rips off his coat, revealing well-aged yet surprisingly thick muscles. But, amid his fury, I detect sorrow. "This never should have happened, Aizen. You had such potential."

"Oh?"

He scowls. "Soul Society is not what it was. We get new souls every day, every minute, but they're all so damn weak. Hollows continue to grow stronger and, in response, we grow impotent." The flames flicker. "But you were different."

"Indeed."

"You had power and intelligence enough to almost rival me and we didn't realize it! You could have lead Soul Society into the future. But did you?" He spits at me. "No, you betray us instead!"

"In my defence, I was only trying to improve the place."

He snorts. "How? By destroying everyone and everything?"

I smirk. "Exactly. Annihilation is the only cure—Soul Society is plagued with fools."

"There's only one mistake I see." He glares at me. "And I shall rectify my errors by taking your life, Aizen."

"Really?" I laugh long and hard. "Don't you remember what happened last time we fought? It didn't end well for you."

"Only because of a trick!" he barks and the pillars of fire grow exponentially. "You are defenceless against me this time, Aizen!"

I pace around the ring of fire and cock an eyebrow. "Is that so, Captain-Commander?" I ask. "In case you didn't notice, I held back then."

He hesitates before saying, "You still needed help from your little monster to beat me!"

"Ah, but I didn't!" I raise a finger. "You see, Captain-Commander, I only wanted you to believe me vulnerable in case we crossed swords again."

"More filthy lies from your mouth! You bluff! You intended me to die that day."

I shake my head and sigh. "It's no bluff. Think about it: not once have I shown you my Bankai."

Yamamoto recoils as if struck, and I know I've got him cornered.

"Tch! Go ahead and use it then," dares Yamamoto. He gestures at the inferno he made. "You're still trapped!"

"All in good time," I say leisurely. "I'm in no hurry."

The old man chuckles. "Good. Your arrogance will be the death of you. Haven't you figured out why I'm the only man challenging you, Aizen?"

I brush a lock of hair away from my forehead. "Obviously, you underestimated me."

He bares his teeth. "I wanted to prevent the loss of any innocent bystanders." Abruptly, enormous fireballs emerge from the flames beside me. A deranged smile cracks his grizzled old face. "My power is vast enough to incinerate all of Soul Society. Melting the grin off your face will be easy out in the open, away from the city."

If I weren't so certain of my victory, his words might have chilled me.

I vanish from sight and appear behind the Captain-Commander.

"All this power is wasted in your senile hands," I say and prepare to stab him in the back.

"Useless!" he yells and pushes me aside. My body vanishes before it hits the ground. "Another illusion, Aizen?" he asks me when I reappear. "It makes no difference! I will burn everything in this area to the ground, including you!"

"What?"

"I will sacrifice everything to see you dead, even if I must pay with my own life!" He raises his Zanpakutou above his head. "Ryujin Jakka!" he intones. "Reduce the world to ash!"

The fire caves in around us. Yamamoto wheezes and laughs as the flames consume him. I play along and scream in agony for his benefit; wait and see, it'll make my next move much more fun.

I start clapping. "A brilliant scheme," I say clearly and suddenly the old man falls silent. "It'd have worked perfectly if I were actually still in Soul Society!"

Yamamoto's funeral pyre roasts him to a crisp before he can express any surprise.

---

Don't you just love absolute hypnosis? Sure you do, because I hypnotized you into believing it's great. Yes, I am capable of doing that.

Sorry for lying about the true whereabouts of my presence. In truth, I never allowed Yamamoto to ensnare me, for I'd entered the real world long before he could put me to sleep with another one of his rants. I knew the old man would kill himself if given a chance, so I gave him one. I didn't even need my Bankai.

Now, on with the show!

---

I'm the type of man to hold a grudge, and if there's anyone who deserves my revenge, it's Kisuke Urahara—my one, true nemesis.

And thus, I decide to visit his store so I can commit a little murder. Karakura's a lovely town, especially in the evening, and I can tell already I'm really going to enjoy this.

"Stop right there," a familiar voice says before I've taken more than a couple of steps into Karakura.

I turn around and see Urahara, along with the cat-girl and all the Vizards. The reunion is off to a fantastic start.

I put on my best smirk. "You saved me the trouble of asking a local for directions."

He shrugs. "I knew you'd be back."

A vein on my temple twitches. It irritates me beyond measure that Urahara's capacity to plan ahead can rival my own.

A battle of wits ensues between us:

"The spell you placed on me two years ago was interesting," I admit. "Just as I expected it would be when I incorporated it into my plan."

"That's bullshit!" cries Yoruichi. "You had no idea what Kisuke was up to back then!"

Urahara places a hand on her shoulder and shakes his head. "Leave this to me—only I can handle him." He looks at the Vizards. "That goes for you, too! You'll get confused if you step in between us."

I grin while the Vizards grumble as they're put in their place. The anticipation of facing a worthy adversary fills me with excitement.

"Where were we now?" asks Urahara.

"I'd revealed how the seal you placed on me was all according to my plan."

He adjusts his hat and nods. "Ah, yes, of course. Care to elaborate how being imprisoned helped your cause?"

"Certainly," I nod. "I wanted Soul Society to capture me. It put them off guard so I could bring down Yamamoto and several captains during my breakout. I imagine the place is being destroyed right now by the chaos I've sown." I smirk triumphantly.

Urahara smirks as well. "A clever ruse," he agrees, "but you've done nothing I haven't taken into account."

"Oh, you wanted me to ruin Soul Society?"

"Precisely. Yamamoto would never take me back in a hundred years, as the last hundred years have proven, and I needed somebody to remove the obstacle for me from the inside. You were perfect for the job."

I laugh. "You think I hadn't seen through your plan? I know very well that Soul Society will prosper under your guidance. Yes," I say quickly when he opens his mouth to retort, "I'm aware you intended to rebuild Soul Society and transform it into a force capable of subduing me. Why do you think I came to kill you as soon as possible? You've walked right into my trap!"

"My head hurts," groans Shinji.

"Don't listen to him!" Urahara warns the Vizard before returning his attention to me. "The only way to beat a trap," remarks Urahara confidently, "is to prepare a trap of your own for your would-be hunter." He gestures at his comrades. "I'm not alone, Aizen. You're the one who's trapped."

But I don't falter, not even for a moment. "You call them your comrades? Half the Vizards are on my side! Look!"

Suddenly, Shinji, Hiyori, Hachi, and Lisa all die when their supposed friends stab them in the back. Yoruichi gasps, for she's unexpectedly surrounded by corpses and former friends out to get her blood.

Urahara, though, remains cool. "Typical," he says, and casually pulls out a remote control with a big, red button on it. "Good thing I came prepared."

He presses the button and the remaining Vizards' heads explode before they can converge on Yoruichi.

"After their Hollowfication, I placed bombs inside all of them in case they ever lost control," explains Urahara with a cold grin.

Covered with her friends' blood and gore, Yoruichi doesn't know what to say.

I know what to say: "Not bad, Urahara."

"Thanks. Truth be told, I also figured you'd convince some of them to turn their backs on me. That's why I brought this with me." He waves around the Vizard-killing remote control.

"But you've lost your reinforcements, so I win this round."

"Heh. That's only what I want you to believe, Aizen," says Urahara.

"You don't have anyone in hiding, waiting to ambush me. You can't beat me."

"Remember when I hid a kido spell beneath another kido spell so I could seal your power at the last second after your fight with Ichigo?" Urahara grins wider than ever. "In reality, those were both ploys to conceal another spell beneath the spell beneath the spell, which I will activate now!"

Black ropes of energy appear and suddenly constrain me.

"I am so confused," says Yoruichi.

She might be, but I'm not. It's time to unveil my greatest gambit yet. A cackle escapes my lips, and then a chuckle. Before long, I'm laughing like crazy.

"What's so amusing?" asks Urahara. "I've won."

I can't stop laughing. His belief that I lost is too funny. I say, "All of this, your spells, my apparent downfall, all has happened according to my plan."

"I don't believe you."

"Your disbelief was also considered beforehand, as was the fourth spell beneath a spell beneath a spell beneath a spell, which you have yet to use against me. This whole time, my intent was to merely toy with you."

Thankfully, he isn't convinced, which means he'll be in for a surprise. "Whatever you do, Aizen, I assure you I've already prepared for it."

"My greatest attack defies anyone's careful planning," I boast truthfully. "It is anathema to the likes of you."

We stare into each other's eyes long and hard.

"Bankai," I whisper.

Our situations reverse and, abruptly, Urahara is the one who's tied down by the black ropes. I have my Zanpakutou's in hand and I smirk like I've never smirked before. A second later, I vanish and appear behind Yoruichi and Urahara. Shock displays on their faces.

You can guess what happens to them.

---

Okay, I know that's a little vague. I haven't explained yet how my Bankai allowed me to kill my nemesis, or how it's a magic end-all solution to all of life's problems. I'm getting there, trust me. Let's just say for now that my Bankai is far superior to anyone else's.

Everything will make sense after I complete the final phase of my epic plan to end all plans.

---

Only one target remains:

Ichigo Kurosaki.

Once he's out of the way, I can claim the empty throne and finally rule the world.

Oddly enough, though, I actually need to go look for the punk. People have been lining up to fight me all day, and I'd have thought Ichigo Kurosaki would push ahead to the front of the line; he's always been so eager to die. And I doubt he's learned the error of his ways.

Regardless, I'm ahead of schedule so I have time to spare. I take a comfortable stroll around Karakura and see what the town has to offer. The weather is hot this evening, so I purchase a nice, cold ice cream sundae. It's so good I even choose not to murder the ice cream vendor. As I walk along the riverbank, I reminisce over the time I sent a Hollow to kill Ichigo Kurosaki's mother long ago, as part of my fantastic plan, and have a good chuckle when I think of how traumatic her loss must have been to the entire Kurosaki family.

Eventually, the sun sets and I simply cannot delay another second. I sense a powerful gathering of reiatsu and conclude Ichigo Kurosaki must be close. I follow the reiatsu to an abandoned hospital. I walk inside and quickly hear the sound of intense fighting.

I make my way through empty hallways and up creaky staircases and find Ichigo Kurosaki fighting a new villain.

No wonder why I hadn't found Ichigo Kurosaki until now—he's replaced me with another adversary! Of course, I can't say I'm surprised by this; my extensive planning takes into account all possibilities. And, in this instance, the right thing to do is introduce myself to the newcomer.

"Good evening!" I clear my throat loudly and the two stop fighting at once.

"Aizen?" Ichigo Kurosaki says in surprise. He seems to have regained his Shinigami powers, yet his reiatsu seems different. "Can't you see I'm too busy for your shit?" A hint of fear can be heard beneath his bravado.

I ignore him and turn to my replacement, a young man with longish, black hair. I already know the answer, but formalities must be observed so I ask, "Who are you?"

"Tsukishima," he says after pausing.

"Pleased to meet you," I say in turn.

"Aizen, what the hell are you doing here?" demands Ichigo Kurosaki. "I already beat you. Get bent!"

"He has never been the nicest boy," I confide to Tsukishima.

My replacement shrugs uncomfortably. It's plainly an awkward situation.

Ichigo Kurosaki continues to threaten me. "I mean it, Aizen, get lost! I don't have time for you! I've got new enemies, and I'm much stronger than I used to be!"

I raise a villainous eyebrow. "New enemies? You won't fight me for that reason?" I have no choice, then. I face Tsukishima and apologize for what I must do. "It's nothing personal, honestly," I say to my replacement with the deepest regret.

Tsukishima doesn't understand me, and he doesn't have time to react when I suddenly slice him in half from head to groin.

"Can you spare a moment for me now?" I politely ask Ichigo Kurosaki.

His mouth hangs open, and his gaze lingers on the bloody mess I made of Tsukishima. Abruptly, he seems about to sick up.

"Y-you monster!" he cries, livid. "Tsukishima didn't deserve to die—he wasn't truly bad! I was about to make him realize the error of his ways!"

Talk about hard to please. And Yamamoto wondered why I passed on the hero business.

"I'll assume you're ready and willing to challenge me," I say.

He answers by charging at me. "You'll pay for what you did!" he yells.

Our blades cross and sparks fly. Ichigo Kurosaki doesn't possess the wits of Urahara, but he compensates for it with enough brute strength to make the fight worthwhile.

Yet, despite his power, it's still too easy. The disparity between us is undeniable. I kick Ichigo Kurosaki to the floor and frown at him.

"Are you truly stronger?" I ask.

He wipes blood off his lip and smirks. "I'm just warming up. I didn't know you wanted me to be serious from the start."

When Ichigo Kurosaki next attacks, I suddenly find myself on the defensive. His speed increases, turning him into a black and orange blur, and I have trouble keeping him in sight. When did he get so fast? More importantly, why is he too stupid to stab me? I note several instances when he has a great opportunity to kill me, but instead he nicks me on the arm or leg. I could understand if he were torturing me to death, but I know Ichigo Kurosaki better—he's just stupid.

Eventually, the minor cuts accumulate and I collapse.

"How do you like me now, Aizen?" he taunts. "Face it. You're finished!"

"Then I suppose a change in plans is in order," I say with a smirk.

"What?"

I unsteadily rise to my feet. "Prepare yourself, Ichigo Kurosaki, for that which cannot be prepared for!" I point my Zanpakutou at him menacingly. "BANKAI!"

Light flashes around me and I laugh and laugh. Ichigo Kurosaki covers his face and braces himself for certain doom.

An old fluorescent light flickers above us while the dust settles.

Ichigo Kurosaki lowers his arms and looks decidedly unimpressed. "That's it?" he asks. "Nothing happened."

I smile mysteriously. "Is that so?"

"Yes, seriously. You're still wounded and I'm still the same. You suck!"

I chuckle. "I wouldn't say you're the same." He seems confused, so I add, "Wait a few moments for our guest, Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Guest?"

On cue, a woman screams, "Ichigo!"

The boy turns around in surprise. "R-Rukia?" he stammers, "When did you get here? I mean, you shouldn't be here—look, Aizen came back! Wait, I can see you? What's going on?"

The scene amuses me endlessly, for Ichigo Kurosaki has no idea what I have in store for him.

"Don't sweat the details," says Rukia. "I have something important to tell you."

Ichigo Kurosaki glances at me warily and mutters, "Can it wait? I was kinda in the middle of a fight..."

I put my hands up, "Oh, don't mind me; I can wait. Listen to what she has to say."

"Well, okay..." Ichigo Kurosaki looks at Rukia. "What's so important?"

Rukia fidgets anxiously. "It's about what you told me yesterday, about your feelings..."

"Huh? What? Rukia, I haven't seen you in almost two years!"

"I want you to know I'm sorry!" Tears flow from her big, round eyes. "But I can't accept your love, Ichigo!"

"You can't? Why not?" Despite himself, Ichigo Kurosaki is blown away by her words. Then he recalls my presence. "Wait, why are you telling me this here? What's happened to you? You aren't acting like yourself at all!"

From my vantage point, I grin deviously.

Rukia says, "I realize it's hard for you to accept, Ichigo, but you need to let me go, okay?"

"No! I mean, why should I?" he shouts in frustration. "Don't you love me?"

"I do love you, Ichigo, but, you see, I've been keeping a terrible secret from you..."

"What?"

A dramatic pause.

Rukia gazes at him tenderly and reveals the hidden truth. "I'm your mother, Ichigo."

A very long and very awkward pause.

"WHAT?" Ichigo Kurosaki finally spurts out.

"It's true." Rukia embraces him. "That's why we can never be together. It'd be incest."

Ichigo Kurosaki wiggles out of her hug and backs away from her in horror. "This is absurd. Stop joking, Rukia, please. I already have, err, had a mom. She died, remember...?"

"Yes, I did die," replies Rukia as she inches closer to her son. "Which is how I became a Shinigami. When I told you I'm ten times your age, Ichigo, I lied."

He backs away again. "But you have an adopted brother—"

"All an elaborate fabrication to protect you from the truth." She closes the gap between them.

"You look and act nothing like my mother did!"

"The magic of death casts a veil over your judgement."

She ruffles his hair and pecks him on the cheek.

"Just stop it!" Ichigo Kurosaki shoves her aside and clutches his head in agony. "This is both incredibly stupid and impossible!"

Watching him lose control, I can no longer contain my maniacal laughter.

"You!" Ichigo Kurosaki spins to face me. He gives me a most loathsome glare. "You did something to her!"

"I did more than something," I say. "Look behind you, Ichigo Kurosaki. Our next guest has arrived."

Ichigo Kurosaki turns around and sees a familiar face.

"Hey, Kurosaki," says Ishida. "I got to tell you something."

"Ugh, not you, too," groans Ichigo Kurosaki. He fends off Rukia's motherly advances. "What is it, Ishida?"

Ishida rips off his glasses and crushes them in his fist. "I don't need these!" he announces. "I have perfect twenty-twenty vision!"

Ichigo Kurosaki groans.

"There's more," I tell Ichigo Kurosaki. "Your friend Sado is not truly Mexican—he's French!"

"Bonjour, Monsieur Ichigo!" cries Sado after bursting through a window. He's wearing a mime outfit and holding a baguette.

Ichigo Kurosaki groans again. Rukia continues to try to do motherly things to him.

Then, in the midst of the chaos, an orange-haired girl steps into the crowded hallway. Ichigo Kurosaki glances at her with heavy suspicioun.

I laugh louder than ever. "And how about your friend Inoue? She's quite a lovely woman...or would be, if she wasn't a he."

Ichigo Kurosaki gapes at Inoue.

"It's true, Kurosaki-kun," Inoue says with a very deep voice. The crossdresser bites his lip, pulls off an orange wig and adds, "I still love you, though."

And then Ichigo Kurosaki's legs wobble and he unceremoniously falls on his buttocks. A dazed look is on his face. The friends around him are no longer his friends; they are caricatures.

I laugh again. "Surprised, Ichigo Kurosaki?"

"Is this some sort of illusion?" he mumbles as he slowly stands up. Rukia wipes some dirt off his chin while Ishida points at all the things he can see without his glasses. Nearby, Sado talks in French continuously and Inoue scratches at a five o'clock shadow.

"No," I reply, "this is the work of my Bankai."

"But how the hell can you do this?" he snaps, gesturing at his friends.

"Because I am Aizen Sousuke," I answer with a smirk. "My Bankai has the power to change the expected direction of causality. If I were a fictional character, you could say I have the ability to create plot twists at will."

Instead of being impressed, Ichigo Kurosaki glares at me with brand-new resolve. "Whatever," he says. "I don't give a shit about your powers. You didn't change enough with your Bankai—I'm still the goddamn hero, Aizen, and that'll never change!"

With a furious roar, he rushes toward me and swings his sword down. The blow connects and I stagger back, clutching my chest as blood seeps out between my fingers.

My final adversary harrumphs as he looks down on me. "The bad guy always loses, Aizen!"

I have to chuckle at that. There was one other thing I altered when I used my Bankai.

"But...I'm not the bad guy...Ichigo Kurosaki," I say weakly. "You are."

His eyes widen and nearly pop out of their sockets. All of a sudden, he screams and thrashes wildly. A horned mask materializes from thin air and covers his face. He howls in pain as a gaping hole appears in his chest. The sword in his hand turns black.

Ichigo Kurosaki's friends stand no chance. One by one, he slaughters them in an insane rampage. Their blood drips from his blade. When he finishes destroying all that is dear to him, he faces me as a monster. But, like Ichigo Kurosaki said moments ago, the bad guy always loses—that's why I used my Bankai to make myself the hero. And now it's time to finish the final phase of my plan.

I vanish and reappear behind Ichigo Kurosaki, and drive my sword into his stomach. He spits out blood and dies.

For a moment, I can only breathe deeply and bask in my own majesty. There's nothing quite like the feeling you get when two hundred years worth of planning comes to fruition. But I can only enjoy these moments for so long. I may have pulled off the greatest and most fantastic plan ever, but the next plan is always waiting to be fulfilled.

I dust myself off and leave my slain enemies behind without a backward glance.

The world is mine for the taking.

---

The End

---

"Does he ever stop talking?" asked Captain-Commander Yamamoto from behind the one-way mirror.

"No, sir," replied Captain Unohana.

In the cell, alone, Aizen rambled incoherently to an audience of zero.

The Captain-Commander stroked his beard. "I do believe the former captain thinks that he's taken over the world."

"He's clearly insane, sir. You don't need me to tell you as much."

"Yes...he's become a rather sad individual after three thousand years of isolation."

Aizen's head rolled to the side and he stared at Unohana and the old man. He couldn't see them but they could hear his laughter long after they left.

---

The Real End

---

Good evening, everyone. I'm back.

How about that twist? Did I fool you? Don't tell me you actually believed my greatest triumph was nothing more than a hallucination. There is no happy ending when I'm involved! I am Aizen Sousuke! Stories bow before my whims! I am the arbiter of creation! A god!

Wait, where are you taking me? Who are you? Don't you know who I am? Nothing is beyond my power! The fourth wall crumbles before my might!

Hahaha!

You see that? You better let go of me now! I just destroyed the boundary between fiction and reality. Think that I'm crazy, if it gives you comfort at night. I want you to think I'm crazy! It's all part of my grand plan, don't you see!

You will never know what's real again!

---

The (True?) Real End

 

 

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    Here's an index for my multi-chaptered fanfic, which I completed recently. I think it turned out well, aside from a disappointing lack of…

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