Laughing on the Journey to Hell

The school day passed by relatively peacefully until lunchtime.

Asuka scowled at Shinji, Rei, Hikari, and any girl, for that matter, that Shinji looked at but was too smart to do anything during class. Hikari received some rather steamed looks as Asuka felt her friend betrayed her before she thought about why she felt so betrayed. After that, the Second Child focused her anger on Shinji instead. The way it should be. Rei...well, Wondergirl was an enigma that simply stared out the window all day, but that didn’t stop Asuka from giving her the evil eye. The lecture, homework assignments, and anything relevant to school was ignored by Asuka, though that’s nothing new.

So the morning went by for the German.

When the bell for lunch signaled her to resume her hunt, Asuka set herself into motion by quickly ditching her regular lunch partner (Hikari) and stalking Shinji to the cafeteria. To her surprise, she felt a hole in her stomach so she figured she would start his new personal hell by beating food money out of him.

However, the Third Child kept on going when he got to the cafeteria. It seemed as if he had a different destination in mind. Nonetheless, Asuka continued to sneak around behind him.

She was most upset when her roommate finally stopped outside the school building and underneath a tree, where someone sat beneath a maze of branches.

The doll.

Dismayed, Asuka hid somewhere neither could see her in order to listen in to their conversation.

“Ayanami,” Shinji stated her name with great importance.

“Yes, Ikari?” Well, Rei had never been known as a great conversationalist, either.

“There’s something I want to tell you.”

That he wants to be her girlfriend, I bet, grimaced Asuka.

“Yes, Ikari?”

“I..I, this is kind of embarrassing, but...I really want you to know how much I enjoy holding your hand,” stammered Shinji. Actually, he had kind of done this before.

Not that Asuka knew that.

So, it’s true! she reasoned. Is this some kind of Japanese code for "I want you to hold my p-pe...?!” The thought was too much for her. Oh, Asuka did not like this. It must be! I knew it!

Rei and Shinji continued to talk with each other, but the one spying on them could no longer hear a word from them. Her desire to destroy the Third was gone, replaced with some odd emptiness. Only a need to get away from Shinji was left.

In that state, Asuka left Shinji and Rei alone.

---

“...how much I enjoy holding your hand.”

For Shinji, the morning had been more pleasant than he could remember ever having one.

The classes breezed by nicely, despite some latent disgust for a few of the particularly foul photos Kensuke and Touji sent him, because he could constantly sense how much Asuka was bothered by him skipping out on her lunchbox.

Shinji was somewhat alarmed by his spinal brace feeling slightly out of place, and a voice inside him warned him that he was making a serious mistake with the German...but he didn’t pay attention to any of this and spent his morning planning to defeat Asuka when she inevitably begged him for some cafeteria cash. His plan was to say “No” even more dramatically than he did after getting his new backbone. It worked before and he couldn’t fail with a little help from the Takeda Pharmaceutical Corporation.

The noontime bell alerted Shinji that it was time to unleash all his designs on his former enslaver. Hurriedly, he rushed out of the classroom so he could deny her money before a full cafeteria. Oh, her public image will be ruined. She’ll be forced to be nicer to me and she’ll have to look at me in a better light, and she...she, she, she? Wait, why was he focusing entirely on Asuka?

Yeah, that was weird. After all, there were plenty of people who thought he was a loser and he had a lot of work to do; he couldn’t just improve one person’s opinion of him. There was a whole world to revolutionize.

So Shinji didn’t turn in to the cafeteria and sought to fulfil his new objective. It didn’t take long for him to find Rei underneath a tree, and he decided to start things off by telling Rei the extent of how much he liked holding her hand. He wanted to fix any misunderstandings.

“...Haven’t you told me this before, Ikari?” probed Rei, since she was fairly certain he had.

“Ah, yeah, but not why,” clarified Shinji, “you see, Ayanami, holding your hand makes me think of my mother, and I really like remembering her.”

“That’s...interesting, Ikari,” responded Rei, like all girls respond when they're not really interested.

“It is. But I really need to tell you how I never feel like doing more than holding your hand, and that if someday in the future we’re holding hands again, I want you to know that I would feel uncomfortable if you put an arm on my shoulder or something else, and just holding hands would be the best thing for both of us,” verbal diarrhea splattered out of Shinji’s mouth. He had a pretty bad case of it. “So, I’m sorry.”

Yes, I have become a smooth talker with girls since getting this new Orthodpedic Spinal Adjustment Brace, Shinji congratulated himself. It’s essential to have women know exactly what my intentions are, and I did a great job with Ayanami. I told her I liked holding her hand before and I don’t want her misunderstanding that to be code for “I want you to hold my p-pe...” Okay, Shinji still didn't have enough backbone to think of that. Moving on...Or something like that. Ayanami will be able to rejoice in knowing she has a puritan friend like me to hold her hand, and that makes me feel great.

It was unfortunate for Rei that she couldn’t get a piece of his cake, but Shinji was ready for any kind of disappointed reaction from her.

“You are being very...” Rei thought long and hard for the correct adjective, “odd, Ikari.”

Oh, you must think it’s strange for me not to have the hots for you, Ayanami. That’s too bad.

“No, Ayanami,” Shinji told her in dead seriousness, “this has always been my true nature.”

“You’ve always been...odd?”

Yes, I’ve never really wanted to jump you...even though I did once...

“Yes.”

“I see...I’m going to leave now, Ikari.”

“Goodbye, Ayanami.”

Rei got off her ass and walked away from school. It didn’t really matter that she’d be absent from school that afternoon; the teachers were used to her presence not being present.

I know it must be tough for you to learn I don't want you, so I understand your decision to take a break from school, Ayanami. Still, something bothered Shinji about this. What if she hated him now? Should he have apologized to her more, so she could fully comprehend how sorry he was? What if she gets hit by bus because of him, distracted by the fact he didn't lust after her? Was he too much of a stud now for his own good? No...I must remain steadfast. I’ve got good vertebrae now and I have to change my act.

His spinal brace squeaked and creaked quietly as he sped towards the cafeteria for a quick bite.

---

As for Rei, she had sped off to the commander to inform him of his son’s strange activity.

In NERV headquarters...

“Odd, you say?” questioned Commander Ikari, always one to doubt.

“Yes, odd, I say,” confirmed Rei.

“How odd?” ventured Ikari Senior.

“Very odd.”

This did not fit well into his scenario. He needed his boy to be close to a mental breakdown, not having one.

“So, what do you believe I should do about this...oddity, Rei?”

“...I am not sure,” confessed the clone, but one thing was clear to her, “I just do not want him to be near me again if he will continue to act his odd.”

“I see,” and the Commander posed menacingly with his hands folded in front of him, “Then it seems it is time for me to take personal care of these odd matters."

---

“So...is there anything deep behind a boy’s words if he tells a girl he wants to hold her hand?”

“What?” Hikari spat her juice out. What?

“...No reason for me to ask this,” quickly added Asuka, her face flushed.

Both were sitting on the school rooftop presently. Too ashamed to extort lunch money from Shinji, Asuka chose instead to mooch off her friend, Hikari. Apparently, Asuka had forgiven the Class Representative for speaking to Shinji this morning.

“Asuka, did Ikari ask if he could hold your hand?!” Hikari was not slow when it came to matters of romantic significance and the thought of those two hooking up sent her to Dreamy Land.

“No! He told that to-” blurted out the Second Child, before recovering herself.

“To someone else?” Oh, the plot thickened! “Who, Asuka?!”

“...Rei,” Asuka came clean. She was caught and had no other alternative.

“No way!” For her part, Hikari acted like any good friend should in this situation. “How could he?! I always thought he kind of had a thing for you, since he always let you boss him around!”

“It doesn’t matter,” dismissed Asuka a bit too forcefully, “I don’t care about that idiot, anyways.”

“It does too matter!” challenged Hikari. Her passion awoke! “You can’t let him do this to you! You have to stand your ground and fight for him!”

Something in Hikari’s words, or maybe the way she spoke them rubbed off on Asuka.

“...Fight?”

“Yes,” affirmed Hikari, “fight!”

That was enough. A fire was lit under her German friend.

“Scheisse! You know what, you’re right!” burst out Asuka, her anger from the morning returning. Steel was her body, and fire was her blood. “I’m going to find that son of a bitch and kick his ass!”

“Yeah!” urged on Hikari, “Lay a wet one on h-huh?”

Perhaps Hikari’s encouragement was too effective, she realized now. Too late, sadly.

“Danke, Hikari! You gave me just what I needed!”

“Uh, n-no. I didn’t mean it that way, Asuka!”

“No need to be so humble. You should accept credit when it’s due.”

“Really, don’t kill Ikari!”

“I won’t,” reassured Asuka solemnly, “that wouldn’t hurt him enough.”

“Ah, good...Wait...!”

“Now, I’ve got to think of the best way to take care of that bastard tonight so I need to jet. Tschuss!”

The Representative Cannon had launched the German Fireball and there was no stopping Asuka Langley Soryu this time.

---

Much to Shinji’s bewilderment, Asuka did not appear at the cafeteria so he did not get the chance to force her to beg for his money. This disappointed him because he really wanted her to depend on him before a live audience, and the cogs in his noggin spun at maximum output to think of a logical reason for her not to harass him.

Ah. The answer was in plain sight. Clearly, she must still be reeling from my “No” this morning. Ho, just remembering that still made him chortle. Yes, she knows what I'm now capable of and it scares her!

With this deduction fresh in his mind, Shinji was able to eat his bought lunch in serenity (it was pretty damn good for two bucks). Yes, it was even enough to carry him through his afternoon classes, in spite of the sheer heat of Asuka’s rage sending a few of his classmates to the nurse’s office. Ha! Now she’s mad that she chickened out and didn't confront me at lunchtime. Sorry, Asuka, but your freedom is mine now!

Close, Shinji, but not quite.

Then, the bell that impairs with every student’s ability to focus in the final period of the day let loose a voluminous squeal. Another day of education was done and accomplished without learning a single thing. Success!

And Asuka raced out of the classroom for some reason. Shinji assumed she did that because she feared him. Or did she hate him now? Whoa, that would not be a good thing. People fearing him, disliking him, pitying him and holding him in contempt was okay, but flat out loathing always lowered his self-esteem. Nah, she can’t. I’m too macho with this awesome backbone to hate now...right? Right.

Thus, a lonesome Shinji made a lonesome trip through a lonesome Tokyo-3 that afternoon. The emptiness was highly unusual. Why is it so quiet suddenly? It’s almost as if somebody cleared out the whole city. But who could do such a thing...?

There, in the middle of the road, a tall middle-aged man stood in wait for the Third Child, leisurely pushing shining yellow sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. A beard so sharp it could cut glass distinguished his face, and his short black hair, reminiscent of Shinji’s, wrestled with the wind. No, it couldn’t be...

But it was.

“...F-father?!”

“Shinji!”

Gendou Ikari, the only man in Tokyo-3 that could vacate Tokyo-3 for a family squabble appeared!

“What are you doing here?!” the junior Ikari demanded to know, the power of his vocal chords surprising him. Well, his dad had bullied him before, but he’d had enough this time!

“I have heard some rumours of you I could not approve of, Shinji,” vaguely answered the senior Ikari. They did not sound like good rumours.

Could it be he...? Yes, of course. Father must know about my Orthopedic Spinal Adjustment Brace! What’s the matter, old man? Don’t like the idea of the son surpassing the father? Orthopedic Spinal Adjustment Brace or not, Shinji still did not have enough guts to say this aloud to his diabolic dad.

Instead, he tried something less snappy. “Yeah,” Shinji put as much cockiness into his tone as he could, which wasn’t much, “and they’re all true.”

“I see...” mused the family elder. He appeared to think a bit before his next line. “Then you leave me no choice!”

“Go ahead, d-do your worst!” bluffed Shinji, closing his eyes and flinching in anticipation of pain. He didn’t really want his dad to do his worst because that guy could destroy entire countries with a snap of his fingers.

However, Commander Ikari did not summon any Section 2 agents to beat up Shinji or force him into a giant robot to save the world this time. No...it was worse...Much worse!

“You see, Shinji, there comes a time in every man’s life when he must learn how to deal with women...”

Huh? Was that a...fatherly...tone?!

Shinji opened his eyes and relaxed his shoulders and stared at his dad. Was his father drunk?

“...and I’m going to tell you how not to make them think you are odd and how to make them love you,” Gendou Ikari continued in a lecturing voice, “and then how to procreate with them once you have obtained their approval and affection...”

The Commander’s son froze on the spot at these words; Shinji had heard myths about this kind of fatherly advice, but never in his life did he believe he’d ever be the recipient of one. To put it bluntly, he was now more terrified than he’d ever been in the past, and he’d fought scary monsters before.

Frightened, Shinji forgot about his empowering spinal brace and tried backing away in futility. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t move; no child could run away from a parent during one of these lectures, much as they may want to. Still, his back continued to try twisting his body away but the only result from that was a loud cracking sound of something breaking.

Meanwhile, Gendou Ikari continued to instruct Shinji Ikari on how to be a man. For the first and last time, he was a true father.

“...rub one hand against her thighs while using the other to stimulate her breasts--not forgetting to use your mouth to please her!-- is highly effective as foreplay, though simple. Certainly, your mother loved it...”

The Beast screamed in agony at the heart of the world.

---

Up ahead, Asuka had run into a supremely bizarre dilemma outside the door to the apartment she shared with Misato, Shinji, and Pen Pen.

Boxes blocked her entry. Boxes contained beer cans, of all things. Strangest of all, she poked one and discovered the cans of beer within it still contained, uh, beer.

“Was soll denn das?!”

This was a bit too much for Asuka to comprehend; she even forgot about ripping Shinji’s legs off and stuffing them down his throat. But if Asuka thought the abandoned beer was freakish, she was in for one rude awakening in a few minutes.

For what lay inside the apartment was considerably more sinister.

---

Back a ways, Shinji stumbled down the streets of the city after his father gave him a gruelling, three hour lesson on the Birds and the Bees and whatever the hell else he believed Shinji was doing wrong in life.

Only a certain Orthopedic Spinal Adjustment Brace kept Shinji alive.

Nonetheless, his confidence had taken a severe blow. Women passing by him appeared ominous and threatening for a short while; though they soon appeared less scary, Shinji was not certain he could ever look at the fairer sex the way he used to again.

No, they aren’t that bad...he told himself, and he remembered his recent victory over an especially terrifying offender of the opposite gender that morning . Yes, they can be cowed...like Asuka was today! Men shouldn’t be afraid of women...Women should be afraid of men! Especially when that man is me with a powerful backbone...!

Alas, the young Ikari’s spinal brace was not quite what it used to be. A couple of the needles had popped out and Shinji’s posture had already began to slump forward to its original arc, as a result. Naturally, the teenager had not yet realized this so he was able to restore his confidence somewhat, though not all the way to its previous zenith.

The sun had set and darkness consumed the evening by the time Shinji arrived home. Boxes that he did not have enough light to identify had been pushed away from the door, and this raised Shinji’s alarm.

...Misato keeps her trash inside the house...not outside it.

Warning sirens went off, telling him not to step in, but a persuasive sensation called hunger convinced Shinji to go ahead anyways.

What he stepped into was not his apartment.

For one thing, it was way too clean. The carpets had been steam cleaned, the linoleum swept and mopped. Fresh paint gave the walls a new life, and no clothes or other trash littered the place. Every counter had been dusted, all the dishes washed and put away, and a peculiar (but nice) odour akin to lemon wafted from the bathroom. Most noticeably, Misato had not passed out on the couch in a drunken stupor as was her evening ritual.

...What?

Speaking of Misato, she was currently hugging Shinji, squeezing the life out of him. He wasn’t sure, but Shinji thought he heard a popping sound from his lower back.

“Thank goodness, you’re not dead!” squealed Misato, not a trace of liquor evident in her breath.

Some sort of mind-boggling transformation had occurred.

“No, I’m not...though I wish I was,” snidely remarked Shinji, remembering the talk his father just gave him.

The woman embracing him backed off at those words. Shinji was surprised to see her sending him a disturbingly intense stare. It seemed like she was preparing to give him a rehearsed speech, but Shinji had to be imagining that.

But she was. “Shinji,” Misato grabbed his shoulders, “listen to me: you-do-not-wish-to-die. Death is not the solution of problems, only the cause of them. It only causes other to suffer the grief you may be feeling yourself. Killing yourself kills happiness! Just look at me; I used to believe I could drown my sorrow with alcohol. But a special woman taught me today that the only way to get rid of the pain is to confront it, and that I could only do that with the help of others. The same can be said for your suicidal tendencies, Shinji! Share your problems with me, and exceed yourself like I did! Please...Shinji! Seek the light and banish the darkness! Look forward to tomorrow! Live!”

All Shinji could do in this situation was nod his head. He had no idea why Misato believed he wanted to do himself in and angrily thought, Asuka’s the one that slit her wrists before! Talk to her, but he was convinced Misato would kill him if he couldn’t adequately appease her by telling her his suicidal problems.

Unfortunately, Shinji couldn’t think of any problems that made him want to commit suicide because he did not want to commit suicide.

“Uh...Well, I...uh...”

“Shinji!” the zeal in Misato’s eyes was most frightening, “Do not run away. Tell me what’s wrong so I can listen without judging! Make yourself feel better! Do not let despair finish you off!”

“...Uh, um...where’s Asuka?” Shinji tried changing the subject in desperation.

“In her room. She got mad at me after I told her not to wear such revealing clothes,” replied Misato, unhappy with her female charge. For a second, Shinji thought his plan worked. “But I won’t let you go in there and convince Asuka to kill you, either! Why...?” Misato started shaking Shinji violently while tearing up. “Why, Shinji?! Why do you want to die so badly?!”

“I don’t want to die!” screamed Shinji, mainly because he was afraid Misato was going to kill him. “I want to live! Please, let me go!”

And Misato gasped in happiness, and her tears of sorrow transmuted into droplets of jubilation. She had just saved a life and it made her ecstatic.

“Shinji...Shinji...” she wept, “I am so happy for you!”

“Ah...good.”

“Good? It’s great!” corrected Misato with an easy smile, her waterworks slowing down now.

“Uh, right,” agreed Shinji, careful not to set off his guardian again.

“Darn right I am!” Weird, she didn’t swear. Then, she glanced at her watch and yelped in surprise. “Oh no, look at the time! It’s past nine, I need to get to bed. See you very early tomorrow morning, Shinji. Tee hee!”

“...Good night.”

Amazingly, Misato headed towards her bedroom after that, stopping only to roar “Good night!” through Asuka’s door. Minutes later, loud snores rumbled from Misato’s bedroom.

A shocked Shinji witnessed all this, but he still couldn’t believe it. He must have been in some sort of crazy alternate reality where people can become polar opposite in a single day, much as he knew nobody could undergo such a reversal.

Then, a black furball nudged against his leg, causing the Third Child to look down.

“Pen Pen!” he exclaimed. The poor animal was criminally clean, not a single feather out of place. “Oh, what did she do to you?!”

“Wark.”

Shinji had no idea what that meant, but it couldn’t have been good.

“Here, I’ll get you a beer. That’ll cheer you up!”

“Wark! Wark!”

For some reason, this inflamed the warm-water penguin. Shinji soon discovered the why; there was no beer in the fridge to give the angry pet. Well, Shinji gave up on that plan and headed to the couch to watch some TV (cautious not to get anything dirty). The conversation with Misato ruined his appetite.

“So, she’s gone now,” observed a woman not long after Shinji began to get into a game show.

Asuka.

“Yeah,” concurred the Third Child.

“Good. We have unfinished business, you and I,” stated the Second Child.

Humph, so I have to deal with the repercussions of the Bento Incident at last. Shinji had finally noticed his spinal brace was not what it used to be after realizing sitting on the couch was very uncomfortable, but he figured he had enough left to deal with Asuka. The fiery German redhead didn't look too bad next to his father or the monster that Misato had recently become.

“Like what?” Shinji would act coy.

“That doesn’t matter, Shinji. I just don’t like you and that’s reason enough.”

That smarted. It was one thing to have suspicions that Asuka hated him, but hearing her say it was infinitely worse. Maybe confronting her was not a good idea.

“Yeah, w-well,” Shinji tried talking big but the experiments’ results were negative, “Ayanami likes me, so there!”

Actually, Rei no longer liked Shinji since his weird behaviour at lunchtime positively freaked her out. But this is irrelevant in comparison to the effect this statement had on Asuka’s already furious disposition.

“That’s it, Third!” shrieked Asuka. Miraculously, Misato was not awakened by this. “I’m going to kill you!”

Uh...bring it on! Shinji’s internal words were much louder than the squeaky yapping sound that came out of his throat.

Though Shinji expected some anger from Asuka, he was not prepared for the real thing. Second thoughts and anxieties occupied his mind now. Did it really have to come to this? Is it all that bad for me to make an extra bento? What if-

While he pondered the benefits of pacifism and treating others as you would yourself, Asuka wasted no time kicking Shinji in the chest, sending him and several needles that were embedded in his back flying.

He landed painfully to the floor that was actually cleaner close up than it looked from a distance, and Asuka proceeded to stomp over him. What Shinji did not know was that Asuka used barely any of her strength, but he was too much of a wimp to understand how tender this beating was.

To him, he was in hell. Quickly, his will and the Orthopedic Spinal Adjustment Brace crumbled to dust.

“Stop! S-stop” begged the young man, “no more! Ow, I was wrong! Y-you’re right! I should have made that bento for you! Ahh! You’re breaking my back! Can’t we just...oof!..just hold hands or something nice?!”

---

Asuka stopped dead in her tracks (which were all over Shinji) at those words.

“Do you...mean that, Shinji?” her voice fluttered.

“Yes! Anything, just stop!” pathetically cried Shinji, who hadn’t yet realized Asuka had stopped.

Of course, there’s no way I want to hold his...Asuka blushed at the notion...or have him give me a...her face got even redder...but he’s just being so sweet now! Asuka thought, but then recalled a problem.

“You’re not going to go off and get Rei to hold your hand right away, are you?!” snapped Asuka. No one else should be allowed to hold his hand, in her opinion. If she could not have his entire hand to herself, she didn't want it at all.

“No! I won’t, I swear! Please, just stop beating on me from now on!” pleaded the poor excuse for a boy.

And Asuka suddenly felt incredibly guilty for making him this way. Now that she had convinced Shinji not to let anyone besides herself touch him, she no longer felt the hatred for him she had a minute ago.

“Ah, I’ll help you up!”

Of course, this moment of kindness was just a brief lapse in Asuka's judgement.

---

“Heh heh heh.”

Inside an ordinary Laundromat, a high-pitched giggle escaped from a dark-haired adolescent’s lips. He must have done something quite naughty to produce such a laugh.

“Oh, Asuka, I wonder how much you will like it when you discover that the colors of all your clothes are slightly lighter than they should be?”

Yes, this disturbed individual had used a touch more bleach than he should have for such dark clothes. As a result, none of the fabric being washed would live a full lifespan.

A week had passed since Shinji’s spinal brace had been obliterated, but he had managed to keep a tiny fragment of the contraption. It gave him courage to do misdeeds like adding excessive amounts of bleach to a load of Asuka’s laundry, as well as “forgetting” to buy a few of her favorite foods at the grocery store every other visit...but not too many of her favorites.

She may have had him under his thumb once more, but Shinji was determined not to let her completely rule over him and get him under her second thumb, too.

Because he had a tiny piece of backbone that defended him.

“Shinji, hurry up so you can buy me some ice cream!” hollered a familiar voice.

“Sorry!” he called back out to her.

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that, you idiot!”

“Sorry!”

“Argh!”

Ha, take that.

Another thing, why did Asuka keep on dragging him out like this? Ever since she beat him up that day, she’d been forcing him to go everywhere with her. Shopping, eating, whatever took her fancy. And she kept on insisting that he hold her hand, too.

Like, what was up with her?

Really...he bemoaned...I'm so pathetic.

---

The End...or just the Beginning?